If you’ve been on my website before, you might’ve seen the “Not a Person” 88x31 image in the footer. I added this because I do not identify with being human.
For as long as I can remember, I have been excluded from humanity. Dehumanized, infantilized, bullied for my mere existence as trans, autistic, and disabled. I have never felt like myself in my own body, never been allowed to exist as who I should’ve been. I reject humanity because humanity has rejected me. There is no place where I can exist as myself.
My body is still human, but my mind, the only part of me I can truly call me, is not.
Less dramatic explanation
I have been considering this topic since early-mid 2024, and after a lot of personal events around when this post was written, I realized that I relate a lot less to the people around me than I thought I did.
Back in the early years I quickly started identifying with the prevalent puppygirl community, a lot due to the circles I was around at the time. Since then, I have found myself falling out with a lot of the ideas I was around at the time, and I’m no longer using that label.
A lot of my realizations have been around my dislike of the human body in general. Be it annoyances at how weak it is and my own disabilities, or the desire for something less hostile to myself in the way of autism, or something that better matches my inner image of myself as a trans person.
There have been various forms of media made covering how I feel at times or wish I was like. Examples include SOMA (BeamBuddy on YouTube made an amazing story analysis if you struggle with playing horror games), Cyberpunk 2077, Ghost in the Shell, or other media of a similar genre. I have felt more like me in all of these examples than I do in the physical world.
A lot of what I here write about would probably fall under the genres of Transhumanism or Posthumanism, and these are two labels I largely enjoy and identify with. I enjoy tinkering with and modifying the human condition in ways commonly seen as “taboo” or “disgusting”. Biomodding is a big interest of mine, and one I intend to continue.
With all this said, I do not know what I am. I do not quite know what I feel like when I say I do not feel human. I suppose the closest description would be that I feel like a machine, and that certainly feels more “correct” than anything else at the moment. I would prefer being called a machine over being called a human.
I will admit that I am still young. A lot of this could, and probably will change. This is simply a view of my identity as it stands today, and I felt the need to get it out there.
- S1LV3R
Small afterthought: A lot of my thoughts here have been better explained by other, better writers. Some of those include beeps whose page “I’m not human” largely inspired this one, 31a which is a delight to interact with on Matrix about all sorts of topics (also inspired me with its two similar articles), and doll-parts [NSFW] (and the sites on the bottom) which have helped me a lot with coming to terms with my own sexuality.